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The Book of Progenesis

A one-act foreplay, one generation before belly buttons.

CHARACTERS:
GOD
ADAM
EVE
and one suspiciously missing snake

 
SETTING:
Garden of Eden, a typically beautiful day

EVE:

Hungry, Adam?

ADAM:

 I think I am, Eve, now that you mention it.  I could eat again.

EVE:

 Not much to do around here anyway.

ADAM:

 We could name some more things, Eve.  You have the knack, you know.

EVE:

 God knows I know. [Picking a fruit from a certain tree.] Here, have one of these.

ADAM:

 Oh, Eve.  Not that!  Anything but that, remember?  That’s a squigflirt.

EVE:

 An apple, Adam.

ADAM:

 Beg your pardon?

EVE:

 I’ve renamed it.  He called it a squigflirt–we’re going to call it an apple.

ADAM:

 That’s so original.  Yea, it looks like an, uh...

EVE:

 Apple.

ADAM:

 Yea, right, an apple.

EVE:

 If I name it, I own it, don’t you think?

ADAM:

 Oh, I don’t know Eve.  It’s still a squigflirt to Him.

EVE:

 Yea, well, I’ve had a little enlightenment about this whole forbidden fruit thing.  From a long and slender fellow.  He feels we’re tough enough to handle the responsibility of the knowledge of good and evil.  He says we’re ready to know the difference between the squig and the flirt.  We’re ready for the whole apple.  Take a bite.

          ADAM:

[Takes the apple, begins eating.  Then, to Eve, with his mouth full (typical man).]
Thanks for enlightening me about this, this round, red thing.  This is absolutely delicious. Yesirree, delicious and nutritious.

EVE:

We know what we can do, Adam.  I mean, after all, "Don't do this and don't do that"–really!  Like we're so innocent!

ADAM:

 Yea, really! I can see it all now...right...wrong...gee, add another wrong and you've got a right.

EVE:

 Yes!  A right! To eat what we want, to go where we want.

ADAM:

 Yes, to eat what we–say, what’d you call this thing, anyway?

EVE:

How ‘bout that apple?

ADAM:

Apple?  Yes, an apple.  I like that.  That sounds as good as it tastes.

[Enter GOD.]

GOD:

Ahem.

[ADAM sees GOD, shoves whole apple into his mouth, core and all, with the expected coughing and choking.  Finally, not having figured on the core, spits it out.  He knows he's busted.]

ADAM:

 She made me do it, God.

GOD:

 [Nonchalant.] Oh, really?  She tied you down, did she?

EVE:

 No!  Nothing of the kind.

GOD:

 I didn't ask much from you.  There really wasn't a lot of "Don't do this and don't do that." Just one little "don't."  Just the squigflirt.

ADAM:

 The what?

GOD:

 Don’t play stupid with me.  I know.  God knows I know.

EVE:

 You mean the apple.  We renamed it, God.

ADAM:

 [To EVE.] You didn't tell me it wasn’t a squigflirt anymore if we renamed it. [To GOD.] I swear to You–

GOD:

 Of course it's to Me you swear.

ADAM:

 –Yes, I swear I wouldn't have eaten it if I had known it was still a squigflirt.

EVE:

[To ADAM.]  Oh, c'mon, Adam, you knew it was the forbidden fruit. [To GOD.]  Anyway, Adam and I now know what it really is–the knowledge of good and evil.  We're in the know, now.

ADAM:

 Yea, we've got it.

GOD:

 So, you two figured this out all by yourselves?

EVE:

 Well, no, we had some help.

[A serpent falls out of the tree.  God picks it up, but it's actually a molten skin.]

EVE:

 He's the one.  He's...

GOD:

 Gone, I'm afraid.  Pretty typical, actually.

ADAM:

 Yea, well, we had questions, he had the answers.  It's not like You would've gotten us through this, uh...

GOD:

This coming of age.  Yes, you two, you can't know about the difference between good and evil unless you're ready to... [ominous tone] ...deal with it.

EVE:

How so, Lord?

GOD:

 Well, there's a lot to being "in the know."

ADAM and EVE:

 [Together.]  How so, Lord?

GOD:

 Take just plain living.  There's going to be a lot of sweat of your brow.  Toil.

ADAM:

 Work?

GOD:

 Yes, Adam.  Work. [Throws him a hammer.] Here!

ADAM:

 [He misses the catch, the hammer falling on his toe.] Ow!  Say, what's this?

GOD:

 A mischelplopt.

EVE:

 Hammer.  Call it a hammer.  That's better.

[GOD shoots her an irritated look.]

GOD:

 You do have a gift, don't you, Eve.

ADAM:

 Doesn't matter whether it's a mischelplopt or a hammer.  It’s not the foot’s friend.

[GOD considers the threatening clouds overhead.]

GOD:

 Better get to work if you want a roof over your head tonight, you two.

ADAM:

All by myself?  How ‘bout some more people, then?  And don't be looking to divvy up another one of my ribs, either.

EVE:

 Yea, because he's not good for more than a dozen.  We'll need more than that.

ADAM:

 What about you, Eve?  Don't your ribs count?

GOD:

 No, no, that's not the answer.  I've got a better way.

[A pregnant pause, which of course is God's idea.]

EVE:

 Why do I get the feeling that this better idea is a matter of opinion?

ADAM:

 Huh? (Typical man.)

GOD:

 Well, here's what we're going to do.

ADAM:

 All three of us?

GOD:

 In a way, I suppose so.  But actually, here's what mainly you two are going to do.

[GOD whispers into ADAM's ear. ADAM is confused.]

EVE:

 Why the big secret?

GOD:

 Never mind, Adam.  Eve-- [Whispers in her ear.  Unlike ADAM, she gets it.]

EVE:

 Wait!  What's this for?  To make more people?  Really?

GOD:

 Really.

ADAM:

 Really?

GOD:

 Really.

[Another pregnant pause.]

EVE:

Not really, right?  Right?  [No reassurance from GOD.]  So, let me see if I understand this.  Adam and I–we, uh–well then, nine months later another person comes out?

GOD:

Exactly.

[Another pregnant pause.]

EVE:

Out of li'l ol' tiny me?  Where's it going to fit?  I mean, look at this big galoot called Adam.  Someone like that's going to come out of me?

GOD:

 Not to worry, it'll be a baby.  A little guy.

EVE:

 [Suspicious tone.] How little?

GOD:

 Oh, I suppose anywhere from five to ten pounds.  Sometimes less, sometimes more.

EVE:

 And this baby, it just falls off of me, out of me, what?

GOD:

 No, it's inside of you, for sure.  It needs to grow inside of you.

[Yet another pregnant pause.]

EVE:

 Er, Lord, how does it come out?

ADAM:

 Yea, I was kind of curious about that myself.

[GOD whispers again into EVE's ear.  From the expression on her face, it's obvious that He has divulged the method of exit.]

[NOTE TO DIRECTOR: This is the part in which EVE's resulting expression should indicate to the audience in no uncertain terms how she feels about the plan.  Casting is so important, because an actress of superb talent and exceptional expression is needed to do this scene justice.]
[EVE collapses and speaks from the ground.]

EVE:

 It comes out of what?  That's a joke, right?  Ha, ha, ha–that's pretty funny!

GOD:

 No joke, Eve.

EVE:

 What about...him?

ADAM:

 Me?

EVE:

 Yea, you.  Where's your payback, fella?  Where’s your gnashing of teeth.

GOD:

 Oh, just let him have his mischelplopt...

EVE:

 His hammer–

GOD:

 Yes, let him have his hammer–and even a few power tools–and he’ll be just fine.

ADAM:

 What's the big deal?  How bad could it be?

EVE:

How bad can it be, he asks.  Where's the mischelplopt? [She reaches over and retrieves the hammer.]  Come closer, Adam, I'll have to show you. [She bangs him on the toes with the hammer.]

ADAM:

 OW!

EVE:

 So how bad was that?!

ADAM:

 I get the point!

EVE:

 Oh, I don't think you do, you big mesomorph! [She eyes a watermelon laying on the ground.]  Come closer again and bend over.

GOD:

 He really does get the point, Eve.

EVE:

 Well I don't.  How's THAT going to happen the way you say?  How big?  Even five pounds--

ADAM:

–Or ten--

EVE:

Even five--or for the benefit of Mr. Know-it-all here--ten pounds.  I'm a lady.  I'm dainty.  I'm delicate.  Adam's got the brow for sweating, but I don't have the teeth for gnashing.  No, it's impossible.  The laws of physics are against it.  It can't be done.  Five or ten pounds, really!

ADAM:

Sometimes less, sometimes more.

EVE:

Could be mischelplopt time again.  [She folds her arms.]  Impossible.  I still say it can't be done.

GOD:

 I can do anything, Eve.

EVE:

 Well, I'd like to see this.

ADAM:

 Yea, me too.

EVE:

 Shut up, Adam.
 
And so it came to pass that some way, somehow, they were fruitful and multiplied.  And it was good.  And for many, it became even better with the introduction of epidural anesthetics.  But that is another story...


THE END


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